Dads and Moms Must Grow Up, Too

Excerpt from Cultivating the Souls of Parents

I assume most writers let their works rest before releasing them to the public. I find that once I take a sabbath-rest from a post that I’ve been working on, my eyes are better editors and that post becomes a more worthwhile reading experience for the reader. So, the post that I have worked on all week, “The Dismantling of Colleges and Universities” is on hold and placed figuratively before the Lord. I truly desire these Substack posts to be what He wants me to share, not what I want to share.

So, for those who feel like reading about parenting, here is the introduction and the first chapter of my book, Cultivating the Souls of Parents: Facing Our Brokenness, Embracing His Likeness. The paperback can be purchased anywhere, although the help desk would have to order it since my promotion strategies were not sufficient enough to produce the momentum that bookstores require.

Introduction

What a weird idea parenting is: one broken human being learning from another broken human being how to live life well. What value does God find in having imperfect adults struggle to raise children?

How do you think God views parenting? As a gentle Potter, I think He loves to observe the intricate chiseling away of our rough edges to reveal the power of redemption. Blessed redemption! The moment when our eyes are opened to our enslavement to sin and the sacrifice of our Savior! Jesus Christ is the door through which we become spiritually and emotionally whole. God knew us before we were in our mother’s womb, and through every phase of life, even the season of raising kids, we can become what He had envisioned.

Perhaps as a church culture, we’ve focused too much on our goals, rather than God's intricate process.  Our goal is to raise picture-perfect, well-behaved kids who grow up and get good jobs. Nothing wrong with this, right? However, let’s consider the process and not the goal. The process—the journey of raising kids is difficult. Draining at times. Deeply personal. Parenting uncovers our immense need for God. A vibrant church community and regular bible study are essential parts of our faith journey. But they cannot take the place of those fruitful and somewhat supernatural encounters with the One who takes the broken pieces of our soul and turns them into a beautiful story.

Our goal-oriented American culture often focuses on the benefits of adulthood rather than the emotional requirements to handle adult life. We've heard the comment, “Kids grow up way too fast.” It’s true. Each generation races to grow up! We did, and our kids do. Cars, freedom, romance. Drinking, voting, and the like are our rewards for coming of age. Becoming an adult is like crashing through the finish line of a 400-meter dash. We celebrate it even though we are not emotionally mature enough to handle the rewards.

In our Western culture, after high school, we go off to college or find jobs, with usually no one except our like-minded peers to give us advice on how to think and how to live.  Then we get married and become parents, or become single parents, who realize that in many ways, we are emotionally ill-equipped for the rigors of raising children.

At the front end of the parenting process, we do the best we know how. From sleep schedules to adolescent mood-swings, we scratch our heads to figure out the best way to help our kids. Our first tries often fail. Then we carry the weight of self-condemnation. Sometimes we feel emotionally defeated. No one ever told us that raising kids would uncover our own brokenness.

As we get older, the parenting process continues even after our children move out of the house and begin their own families. For many of us, that season of life becomes mostly helping our adult kids financially and babysitting the grandkids. Daily pressures shift from active parenting to the norms of aging and retirement. As we watch another generation grow up, sometimes we observe inherited behaviors that we had not seen before.

Doug and I have two sets of children. The first four were born pretty much every two and a half years of our marriage. The second set of children came when child #4 was ten. These two boys are about two years apart, so if you do the math, you discover that there are twenty years from our oldest to our youngest. Most people do not choose a twenty-year gap between groupings of kids. However, God’s inspiration to have two more children has become one of the best experiences of surrender in my life. For whatever reason, God decided that our process of parenting young children and teens needed to continue into another generation. We are in our fifties now. Raising these two boys is similar to the life of parents who decide to adopt or foster young children when their birth children are older. What many parents like us find is that although family principles and identity are maintained—what we stand for and who we are—at times, our best intentions to train the youngest children are hindered. Parenting-fatigue is real. As Doug puts it, when you are an older parent, sometimes you need a divine boost to have the energy to raise a new generation of human beings.

I need to remind myself that this is a process where not only my kids but I, too, am learning how to live well and love well. I will never have a place where I can say as a parent, “I have arrived!”  No, this process of parenting brings to light my emotional brokenness that God wants me to explore and bring to Him to remedy and make whole.

God wants to travel this road with us, not as a condemning voice but with whispers of gentle encouragement. He is for us, not against us. His affirmations strengthen us when we feel weak. He lifts our chins to look at Him, the Perfect Parent. As we keep our gaze fixed on Him, we gain His perspective on not only our children but also our journey from brokenness to wholeness.

Parenting can be if we let it, a process of brutally naked surrender to God who affirms our efforts and gives us courage on an adventure for which none of us are prepared.

Chapter One - The Bare and the Beautiful

God loves us despite the still. I'm still harsh. I'm still critical. I'm still anxious. For a recovering perfectionist, this is a big deal. God tapped me on my shoulder when I was a lost 16-year-old. One summer evening, Romans 5:8 came alive: ‘While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.’ As a new Christian, I thought that redemption meant instant perfection—no more mistakes, missteps—wow, how wrong I was! Eternal fellowship with Him was secured, yes, but what I discovered and still discover is that on a practical level, I’m weak and far from perfect.

Aggravation. Discontentment. Pride. What words describe what you have been dealing with? I invite you to be brutally raw right now. This book is about facing our faults and letting Him love us to wholeness. Yes, God still loves us and desires us despite our imperfections and weaknesses. Do you believe that? Pause and think about your answer. We are "the Loved," "the Accepted," and "the Desired." Do any of those words surprise you? He may not like how we behave sometimes, but His acceptance is not based on our performance. He proved that on the Cross.

He is not looking for us to be spiritual all-stars; He is just asking for our honesty and vulnerability.

God invites us to Him in spite of our behavior and character flaws. He does not condemn us, but He guides us to a better way to live. Christlike. Virtuous. Virtue isn’t a word that we often hear these days. A virtue is a quality that conforms to moral excellence. We all have virtues that need to be developed. One of mine is patience—with my kids as well as with myself. But God doesn’t sit in heaven and watch me struggle to become more patient. He is present in my growth and your growth. He does not leave us to figure out how to become more Christlike by ourselves. He is our helper! Daily, He is our help in time of need. His mercies are new every morning. He's not looking for us to be spiritual all-stars; He is just asking for our honesty and vulnerability. He is safe. He forgives. He heals. He matures. You may have been a Christian for 30 years and still be tempted by embarrassing things or overcoming a bad temper or pride. God loves you despite the still.

The Deeper Work

The world has changed a lot in twenty years. My energy has a hard time keeping up with the pace of the times. Today’s culture and focus on technology differ from what I remember as a kid. In some ways, Doug and I need divine fuel injection to stay on top of new social media apps, TV shows, and even American slang. Then is the age factor. Some of you get this because you waited until your late thirties to have kids. Whatever the reason, I’m not as quick to remain firm in the consequences that I’ve established for bad behavior as I was when I was in my twenties. It’s pretty bad when my ten-year-old has to remind me of the consequence that I gave my eight-year-old the day before. Another couple we know has a similar family structure as ours—lots of kids spread over many years. They shared how their older kids say things like, “How come you let Peter get away with speaking to you like that? You wouldn’t have put up with that when we were young!”

Raising kids involves a lot of energy. The work is more than potty training, teaching them how to do laundry, and being their chauffeur. These surface demands are what we usually focus on—the quick dinners, homework, or jerseys that need to be washed for the next day. But under the surface of parenting is a task many of us never prepare for: navigating the realm of the soul. Our souls. And our kids’ souls. The immaterial part of us that houses our will, our thoughts, and our emotions. Parenting well requires a continuous examination of this mysterious part of our creation. We operate from it—heart motives, attitudes, triggers—but most of us don’t know how to cultivate its ground.

The Soul – Issues of the Heart

It’s not the daily routine that demonstrates the rigors of shepherding a young Mini-Me. That’s easy compared to navigating heart motives and attitudes. Raising a child helps us discover that parenting involves a whole lot of digging, not just through piles of mismatched socks, but also through layers of insecurities and heart issues that our children and we have.

It takes courage and humility to look at a young child’s behavior and realize that they are merely imitating us. What we say and how we say it. Ever been shocked to hear your little one say something with the same intonation that you would say it? What about our actions? Our kids pick up so much! We cannot expect them to change if we are not willing to change also.

A great reward awaits the man or woman who decides to become a better person by tackling the unseen world of the soul. Letting Jesus renew our minds and mature our emotions is more effective than molding outward behavior through rules and “should.” Rules serve a purpose but cannot replace the process of uprooting the seeds that cause behavior. When we take the time to listen to our words and think about our reactions, we can discover the source of the triggers, our attitudes, and our insecurities. God can also show us inherited behaviors that have not been unlearned or emotional wounds that have never closed.

Despite the surface-level rigors of raising kids, we can invite Him to help us do the work of uprooting these deep issues that keep us broken. Over time, we become adults who better reflect our God in word and deed. God uses every opportunity to smooth our rough edges and to lead us toward wholeness.

A man’s pride will bring him low, but the humble in spirit will retain honor. Proverbs 29:23

Our Bare Reality

I had an anger issue. A scar sits on my right thumb, where I put my hand through a window. Years before this incident, when I was a junior in college, I was suicidal. The word “soul” wasn’t in my vocabulary at that time, but mine was crying loudly for help.  Anger and grief had brewed inside of me since I was five years old, but as a self-appointed “good” oldest child, I kept it at bay. I wore a mask. Unfortunately, anger quietly grew into self-loathing, self-rejection, and violence. I don’t remember what led to my deciding to join a small group for anger issues. But after completing the workbook, doing weeks of homework, and getting prayer, I was free from pent-up childhood rage.

We are a society used to wearing masks. Many of us try to hide the ugliness within us. We carry shame and insecurities because we are not completely secure in the divine truth of what God thinks of us. We know Jesus died for us. But in our hearts, we wonder, Is He mad at me? After all, we knew better than to do that again, right? In church, we learn that He loves us without condition. But we ask ourselves, Does He really accept me unconditionally? Acceptance carries a different weight. It invites us to enter His holy presence even when we don’t deserve to be there. In our uncertain state, we interact with Him at a comfortable distance. We maintain a surface-level relationship with Him. One built upon condition-based thinking: Ican only ask Him for help if I fulfill a condition rather than knowing that we can freely enter His gracious presence any time we need Him (Heb 4:16). As we’ve been trained, we say grace at dinner, but then we ignore any family tension or lack of peace. We go to church and “put on” the acceptable Christian posture of stoicism, goodness, and of course, the smile. But shame and insecurity make us hide the deepest parts of ourselves from God and others.

It takes courage to stop hiding. Without the mask, we would see ourselves in ways that we haven’t wanted to. We are forced to acknowledge the areas that God still needs to purge. The act of removing our masks is a big decision. It means we are willing to bare ourselves to a world that can be so unforgiving.

But Jesus Christ forgives. Do you believe this? Do you live like you are forgiven? Smile like you are forgiven? With the weight of our sins removed, we should walk around like we know how loved we are! But most of us don’t. Acknowledging our weaknesses and mistakes takes great humility and an undeterred sense of self-worth. Think about this: you are worth the blood of God’s Son. That’s a big deal. When we realize our worth, our issues fall into their proper place. In other words, God’s ability to transform will be magnified, not our mistakes. This perspective increases the ability for us to be honest with our kids about our weaknesses.

Self-evaluation is essential. What makes us slow to apologize to our children after raising our voice a little too loudly or not following up on a promise made? Do we fear being disrespected? Does apologizing make us feel weak? God wants to help us be comfortable looking our children in the eyes as the broken parts of ourselves become apparent. Our kids need to see our weaknesses. They need to know that we need God too. As far as the healthy soul searching that begins once the mask is off, the digging process is not for the faint of heart. Acknowledging our weaknesses and insecurities takes courage. But God gives us the courage we need.

For a healthy process to occur, self-condemnation must be packed away in a box marked with large red letters: Danger - Flammable. We are who we are and where we are at this point in our life’s journey. We have to accept it without taking on shame.  At the beginning of this journey towards wholeness, you may ask yourself these questions: “How can I train and raise children when I’m so broken? What will my teenagers say when I get a better understanding of God and His authority in our lives and then adjust our lifestyle to that reality? Now that I’ve put aside my mask to acknowledge my brokenness, will my kids or my spouse accept me?”

These questions are legitimate. As we heal and mature, we will become more comfortable with our parental authority. Our kids will notice. They may not like it because our wholeness will affect how we train them. They may balk at an increase in house rules or smartphone boundaries. We must resist getting angry at their reactions. After all, we must take responsibility for what we have or have not modeled. They will need time to adjust to transitions. During these moments of chaos and tension, the best escape for us is in prayer. In fact, prayer time is crucial in this process. I’m speaking of prayer as honest, vulnerable, hold-nothing-back conversation with God. Like what David did in many of his Psalms. Ask Him for strength. Pray for the courage to continue moving forward in growth even when it’s hard. Prayer is vital to soul healing. During those moments, we can vent to the One who is not offended by our emotions.

He who knit us in our mother’s wombs will continue to make the fabric of our families something beautiful. It will take time. There will be tears and fights. As you share with your spouse or children about your new journey, the highs of self-discovery, and the lows of hard choices, your words will be seeds that will make an impression in the long run.

When we begin to tackle our broken humanity, God often uses us to repair unhealthy places in our extended family system. Sometimes, God uses us as He did Moses – to show our extended family the way out of generational bondage. The road seems daunting, but God is faithful.

“He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6

Failed but Not a Failure

Eli was a priest. How in the world did the sons of a priest become corrupt? Not only did they did not know the sacrificial customs, but they also committed fornication. It was their dad’s fault. According to 1 Samuel 3:13, God saw that “he did not restrain them.” 

Now the sons of Eli were corrupt; they did not know the Lord. 1 Samuel 2:12

… his sons made themselves vile, and he did not restrain them. 1 Samuel 3:13

It sounds like Eli could have stopped his sons from going down a dark path, but he didn’t. Eli did not teach them to honor the system of offerings and sacrifices, and he greedily took the best of what the people brought for their offerings. The verse speaks of “the iniquity which he knows.” Iniquity is the biblical term for inherited weakness or inherited sin. This makes me think that Eli failed to train his sons on how to resist bad family patterns of behavior. Perhaps when his sons were mischievous boys, he did not discipline them. Maybe he catered to their whining and excuses and never helped them see the sin in their hearts through gentle and honest conversation. In verse 27, God speaks to Eli through a prophet; and later He speaks through a young boy named Samuel. (1 Sam 3:13) Through these prophetic voices, Eli faced the harsh reality of his failed parenting style and the resulting consequences to his lineage. When we see him finally warning his sons in 1 Samuel 2:22, it’s too late. He is old, and they are grown men. As a priest, what would have caused Eli to fail to train his sons?

In this story, we learn that Eli did not revere God enough, did not respect the system of repentance that God set up, hadn't acknowledged his issues, and was eventually confronted with the scandal of his sons.  Propitiation for their sinful behavior was available through the Hebrew custom of blood sacrifice, but the sons scoffed at the customs.  When Eli tried to reason with them, it was too late. Now grown men, they were unrepentant, promiscuous, and defiant. Eli missed the opportunity to guide and train them during their formative years.

Now Eli was very old, and he heard everything his sons did to all Israel, and how they lay with the women who assembled at the door of the tabernacle of meeting. So he said to them, “Why do you do such things? For I hear of your evil dealings from all the people. No, my sons! For it is not a good report that I hear. You make the Lord’s people transgress.”  1 Samuel 2: 22-24

Eli wasn’t a total screw-up. Despite his paternal negligence, God allowed him to mentor the young Samuel, who was called from an early age to be a prophet. In fact, God revealed the consequences of Eli’s sin to the boy Samuel, in a vision. Samuel witnessed firsthand not only the humiliation of his mentor but his submission to the fate of his family.

When we are confronted with our issues, we have the opportunity to embrace change. It’s our choice. Change takes humility, courage, and grace. Eli lived under the Old Testament covenant and did not have the benefit of God’s grace like we do.

What is grace? It’s undeserved favor. We don’t deserve God’s favor, but the decision to give our lives to Christ qualifies us. Grace can also be described as the divine strength and ability that He extends to us for change to occur. Miraculously, when we became born again, when we chose Him, we took part in a covenant. Jesus exchanged our sinfulness for His righteousness. We didn’t have to earn it. We just received His gift. The gift of Christ brought spiritual redemption. Our spirits are realigned with God. But our souls need to receive His enabling grace.

We are spirit, soul, and physical body. Being born again, or “born of the Spirit” (John 3:3-17), initiates the process of becoming whole. This is the beginning. As far as our souls, our minds still need renewing (Rom. 12:1), our emotions need repairing (3 John), and the human will must yield. This journey involves letting God do unseen and somewhat mysterious changes in the depths of our souls.

Free from Guilt

Not everything that your child does wrong is your fault. As adults, we are imperfect human beings raising other imperfect human beings. Our kids also have souls (mind, will, and emotions) that need to be aligned with God’s intent and design. Our behavior is not all bad, and it’s not all good. His blood has removed our sinful nature, but we must unpack hidden emotional issues that still cause us to stumble. Sometimes we assume that when we sin, it is an act of the will. We can just stop. However, there are underlying reasons why sometimes we cannot just stop. God wants to uncover these hindrances. They can be inherited negative propensities or unresolved hurts. While following rules and maintaining boundaries protect us from unnecessary failures and reading parenting books gives us wisdom, they cannot wholly align our souls to God’s intent. Only He can do that.

We are fallible parents who still need guidance and help. Our journey from brokenness to wholeness will be easier if we internalize this truth: we are treasured, and we are desired by a perfect God! In Christ, we are forgiven! Our worth cannot be based on how well we do, but on the fact that our very existence is significant to God.

The Old Testament did not offer the option for redemption, but the New Testament does through the blood sacrifice, resurrection, and ascension of Jesus Christ. This initiating heart of God is a relief for today’s parents who may have been "Eli's" at one time and whose adult children are now prodigals. It is possible for these adult children, whose hearts and minds are far from God's best, to be wooed by the Spirit of God. The course of a lineage can be altered by the grace of God through Jesus Christ. 

Grace to Change

I believe in a Creator who imagined each of us out of the goodness of His nature.  Sin came, but God’s grace continuously releases the power to be transformed. We must keep our eyes on the process—the change that occurs while we raise our kids. As we begin to examine parts of our souls, we will realize the benefit of having God’s favor and merit when we don’t deserve it. Grace, God’s lovingkindness, truly transforms the human heart. Here are a few scriptures that we can ponder.

Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness…Cause me to know the way in which I should walk, For I lift up my soul to You. Psalm 143:8

Who redeems your life from destruction, who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies Psalm 103:4

Or do you think lightly of the riches of His kindness and tolerance and patience, not knowing that the kindness of God leads you to repentance? Romans 2:4

Romans 2:4 is an overwhelming truth! Repentance means a change of mind. When are mindsets change, our behavior will follow. This scripture reminds us to treasure and to appreciate His patience and goodness even when we fail miserably. This continual kindness on His part affects our hearts and wills in a way that promotes change. The Bible also teaches that when we recognize our failings and our weaknesses and bring them into the light, not suppressing, ignoring, or denying them, we will receive grace to help in our times of need (Hebrews 4:16).

Similarly, when we recognize that we are not “sufficiently qualified in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency and qualifications come from God” (2 Cor. 3:5 AMP), we can choose to believe in and forever submit to God who creates us and therefore can change us. All is not lost!  The beauty of God’s grace is that we can bring our embarrassing shortcomings to God who is waiting to forgive and mend.

If you are married, picture God between you and your spouse. He is your connecting point. Now picture Him in between but elevated above your heads. He is your good heavenly Daddy waiting to mentor you. He wants to be known by your kids and will do whatever necessary to guide their hearts toward Him. If you are a single parent or a guardian, your picture is similar. I envision our heavenly Daddy behind you, with His arms wrapped around you to comfort you. You can lean on Him. Like an orchestra conductor training His apprentice, He has each of His hands on your forearms. He’ll help you direct the children He’s blessed you with.

He Teaches Us All Things

One of my sons was a precious, bald one-year-old with a great throwing arm. His aim was uncanny. So, when a glass-topped end table was broken from a block that he threw as he stood at the top of the family room staircase, I decided that I needed to baby proof the house of all glass. Unfortunately, manufacturers don’t make plastic windows.

Our quandary was how to make this little human realize that throwing a foam baseball to Daddy in the family room was okay, but throwing a wooden block towards glass in the house was not. My son saw the broken glass tabletop and noted the chagrin on my face. At the time, I wasn’t sure if my facial expression was enough to give him pause before he threw something again. I found out that it was not. We realized for the next few years that this son continuously needed to be reminded of how to weigh consequences before playing with certain toys. Arrows are meant to be shot at targets, not over houses. After attempting to shoot an arrow over our house with his bow, this son implanted it in the roof. We had to borrow a tall ladder. You can be sure that Doug did not enjoy climbing up onto the roof to retrieve the arrow. “Think before you act, son.” Situations like this helped me learn to seek the Holy Spirit’s help when I was trying to figure out how to communicate lessons to each child. They also taught me to keep calm when kids do childish things.

Often, it takes us awhile to sense the prompting of the Lord. His warnings. His hints.

Because as parents, we are so busy, it often takes us a while to sense the prompting of the Lord. His warnings. His hints. Those subtle suggestions that come to mind, but we dismiss too quickly because we are so fastened to our schedules and our opinions. But the Holy Spirit is always trying to communicate to us how to raise each child. Each one has specific gifts. Personalities. Needs. When one of our kids was in elementary school, God uncovered an emotional need that he had.

During these years, we didn’t let our kids watch certain PG-13 or any R movies. But at seven, one had a huge need to feel like he belonged. I hadn’t picked up on this and got angry when he repeatedly asked to watch a movie that his peers had watched. This went on for weeks. Finally, one afternoon when he asked again, I inwardly criticized the other parents.

Unfortunately, in my state of criticism, I failed to perceive my son's valid longing. He wanted to feel like he belonged. That afternoon, the Lord was able to penetrate my bad attitude and my blindness. I went to my bedroom to let God do some heart surgery. “Lord, I messed up. I’m sorry.” I thanked Him for the gift of forgiveness. Then I perceived His wisdom for the situation. What my husband and I allowed or disallowed didn't have to change, but the way I explained these things to our broken and hurting child needed to change. God had been trying to teach me how to pastor my son’s perception of not belonging. He wanted me to help my son unravel why he felt like an outsider. Was it just the one movie, or was it something deeper? That day I prayed, "God, help me tend to my son's hopes and needs, yet explain to him why we can’t do something just because others do it. Help his need to belong not to be tied to the actions of others. Heal any wound of rejection that is deep in his soul. Give me the words that he'll understand so that he can be at peace with our decision to not see this one movie yet. Forgive me for leaning to my understanding, letting my opinions blind me to his brokenness, and not slowing down enough to pay attention to Your still, small voice."

Finally, I had the right conversation with my son. I explained that we will always be friends with people who think differently and have a different family lifestyle. But, those differences cannot determine our course. As we talked, my son learned that God helps each family navigate through life to become a beautiful representation of His Son. We should never criticize another family’s journey. We are all being guided by a good and holy God.

And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye,’ and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. Matthew 7:3-5

As Christian parents, we will discover the biblical truths that trump societal norms and cultural traditions. Society and culture are too unstable to provide a rock-solid foundation for Jesus-focused families. For example, God’s purpose for humanity, first mentioned in Genesis 1:28, has never changed. Even sin’s entrance in Genesis 3 didn’t change God’s original intent. A man and a woman are called to join in a covenant relationship, to steward this realm, and to produce offspring that do the same. This stewardship call is individual because like the Apostle Paul, not everyone will marry. The call is also for each generation. God is a generational God and producing offspring is a key reason for marriage. By the way, if you are an unmarried parent, your singleness doesn’t disqualify you! Using these truths as our platform, we discover how God wants to design our individual families. We can teach our children that Israel had twelve sons, and each son’s tribe had their distinctions, but all were His covenant people.

My son was still disappointed and for months, he continued to bring up the "Why can't we watch this movie" type of questions. I had to stifle my frustration that he "just isn't getting it." God had to give me a perspective to cultivate patience in my life. He reminded me that my role is to train and that these conversations would continue as long as they were needed.  God didn’t mind them, and I shouldn’t either. Training takes years.

There are endless opportunities for us to allow God to show us the soul issues that not only hinder our maturity but also hinder our effectiveness as parents. A wrong mindset is one. A critical attitude is another. As we become self-aware, we can spend time in prayer and reflection and allow Him to direct our way toward change. He wants to help us notice those inner promptings and discern His still, small voice. With every child and situation, He teaches us to pause and seek His direction.

Our Life, Our Story

From wandering wilderness seasons to gratifying mountain peak moments, we experience times of defeat and victory. Our Adolescent Story may have chapters of disappointment. Our Young Adult Story might have looked like a meandering river. Becoming a person of faith is undoubtedly the epiphany of Our Life Story. We hope and pray that this gut-wrenching, nail-biting drama called Life ends well for all involved. In terms of parenting, no matter how many books we read, friends we meet for coffee, or how much babysitting we did as teens, we are never adequately advised and prepared for the drama that unfolds once that first child comes into our home. The blessed Parent Story! What a surprise when we feel the love overflow as we gaze, cuddle our helpless newborn, or feel the hand clutch from a newly adopted child! Our hearts incessantly burn with an inexplicable love for our kids. Children are wonderful. We can give them wonder-filled lives. Sure, our best efforts are sometimes ineffectual. However, we keep trying. Yes, sometimes, in our responses and reactions, we don’t love well. Our humanity will look uglier than we ever knew it could be. Allowing ourselves to be changed by this journey is worth it.  Like the scripture says, our latter will be better than our past.  (Revelation 21: 4)

Let’s embrace the rigors of personal transformation and be grateful that our little mirrors make us self-aware. I encourage you to refrain from guilt and self-condemnation. God is One that comforts and encourages. (1 Thessalonians 5:11). He is a loving guide, not a harsh dictator. We can rest in His goodness and allow our years of raising kids to serve as opportunities to be molded by the hand of our loving Creator.

Time to Plant a Fruit Tree

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control, against such there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23

Galatians 5:22-23 calls these virtues the “fruit of the Spirit.” Fruit comes from seeds. And so do weeds. Our souls: heart motives, attitudes, and triggers, will reveal the hindrances—the weeds—that that God wants to remove. But how do we dig deep to discover negative seeds? How do we uproot these hindering root systems? One way is to analyze our self-talk. If I continually badger myself when I don’t do well, more than likely, a seed of perfectionism or self-condemnation was sown at some point. When I badger my children, I see what that seed has produced.

This scripture gives us a simple assessment that we can follow. Periodically, ask yourself: “How is my patience meter?” or “How often do my children see me joyful?” If our answers are not what we want them to be, let’s not beat ourselves up. Instead, let’s understand the process of developing good fruit. If our fruit of self-control is small or unripe, then we can look down into our souls or back into our pasts and discover why. Perhaps we have buried anger that comes out in conflict and causes us to say things that we later regret. Or maybe as children, our families didn’t make much money, so as adults, we subconsciously spend more money than we ought because we finally have substantial financial resources.

This plant analogy also addresses the good fruit in our lives. Any gardener knows that to produce continued growth, you have to prune a plant from time to time. Our Creator helps us by gently pruning us. As we allow His supernatural presence to invade our lives and cultivate the soil of our souls, and as we meditate on Scripture, the fruit of the Spirit will prosper.

This journey is a long adventure. It strips us bare. No more pride. Masks removed. We say yes to being vulnerable and transparent with God and others.  But God does not give us more than we can bear. He works in increments—seasons where sometimes we dig up root issues, and other times we experience the fruitfulness of His work in us. He cleans us up and makes us beautiful. He turns our history into a mighty testimony. Our future becomes better than our pasts. For us and for our kids. God’s vision is for generations of self-aware, autonomous adults who are not only responsible but are also emotionally healthy.

Prayer

God, thank you for loving me. Thanks for drawing me to the Cross and taking my sins upon Yourself. You want me to have abundant life—vitality in my spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical well-being. This is your desire for my kids and me.

Some of my weaknesses are apparent. Others, I try to hide. You said in 1 Corinthians 5:17 that I am a new creation, but often, I don’t feel changed. Where is the fruit of the Spirit in my life? Lord, there are days where I face the consequences of a sin, reminders of my imperfections, and feelings of regret that I haven’t laid at the Cross…when am I going to feel like an overcomer?

Holy Spirit, I need You to bring a constant flow of Christ’s transformative power into my life. Help me meditate on the fact that You don’t condemn me. You encourage me. Thanks for being my Wonderful Counselor.

Quiet Time

• Is there a section of this chapter that stands out to you? Take notes or reflect on the parts that resonated with you.

• What is your self-talk like? Counter any condemning thoughts with scripture verses declaring who you are in Christ.

• Ask the Lord to reveal any soul issue (an insecurity, inherited dispositions, an attitude, mentality, or emotional longing) that He wants to heal or refine.  Think about where the issue may have come from.

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